head crumbs

on being sad but then doing something about it

Wednesday morning, bread in the oven, sun streaming through the last bits of fog, and right now, everything feels okay. I’ll send a few emails, dial in my gravel bike for the first Grasshopper on Saturday, eat half a loaf of warm bread, go to the gym and climb some things. Book some travel, cook a nice dinner, go to bed satisfied.

^a 60% whole wheat sourdough with toasted sesame and sunflower seeds

Maybe half my days play out like this. The other half go to waste. I spent Monday in a haze, woke up to another take on Moriah that I can only describe as insidious. I speed-read it as I made coffee, nausea rising in my throat, then anger, then the kind of sadness that was permanent last summer, now more rare, but still ready to make itself known when I’m weakest.

Two days later and most of the anger is gone, that’s the thing with anger, it’s hot and burns itself out. Sadness clings.

But for better or worse, that particular sadness is something I’ve learned to cope with since well before May. Looking back, I’ve been depressed since the onset of adolescence, fighting waves of vague yet overwhelming existentialism, manifested as why-would-I-bother-doing-anything-at-all, a certainty that nobody actually likes me, exhausting perfectionism, general fatigue, self-sabotage. It always seems ridiculous from the outside until you’re back in it and the walls close in and suddenly there’s nothing else. Cycling has been both a cure and a curse. As a teenager I discovered that it was only through long, intense exercise that I was granted any reprieve from these moods, a guaranteed endorphin hit, an excuse to switch my brain off and create a concrete, intentional source of struggle. The ensuing escalation of it is arguably what gave me the fitness to become a professional. But it is those same tendencies that often make me want to give it up entirely— the spotlight, however small, is a constant source of anxiety, alongside the obligation to be a role model when I’m messy and stubborn, combative and imperfect. The same long training blocks that save me are, without fail, countered by the dark hole of the recovery days after. A tired body, the guilt in resting, and no more serotonin to spare.

All that said, the endurance community is perhaps the only one so full of people at war with themselves, complete fucking weirdos, and it’s in that solidarity that I’ve found more than enough reason to stay.

^scenes from skate skiing, a sport even more masochistic than bikes

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This isn’t the newsletter I wanted to write this week but I’ve found I don’t have much control over what I write; what I write is what I think about, and things like this are all-consuming. As someone intimately close with the tragedy, I wanted nothing more than a little space from it, and seemingly people on the edges wanted to get as close as they could. Watching their morbid fascination from the inside is one of the worst things I’ve felt. Refreshing Twitter for updates on the case to stay informed, and having to wade through constant speculation and bad takes from people who maybe crossed paths with her once or felt some obligation to chime in, it made me sick. I might know more than most, but ultimately, only Mo knows the truth, and she can’t tell it.

So how to hold a global publication accountable for allowing this shit to spread through a deeply interconnected community? Outside owns most of the cycling media. Velonews, who employ a lot of people I consider friends. Peloton Magazine, Trailforks, BikeReg, GaiaGPS, Pinkbike, literally the whole official FKT system. The list goes on. The only answer I have right now is to support good individuals and hope for the best (and from the other side, make sure the people who inflict harm are held accountable). My blocked list on Instagram is long. I am certainly not singlehandedly going to war against Outside, but if you have, say, 20 minutes to consume content, then whom you listen to does make a difference. It’s just another brand of consumerism— much like what you choose to buy, food, clothing, etc, the immediate dollar amount you spend is not impacting much at all, but the demand speaks volumes and either creates or closes future spaces and needs. And so I suggest you take this conscious consumerism approach to media. More outward and vocal support of independent publications will ensure their success. Some healthy competition will hopefully pressure Outside to tread more carefully and not piss off an entire community already alienated by their poor business practices.

And so without further ado, I’d like to suggest some great people doing their own thing. I’ll admit, I consume relatively little cycling media, since I like to spend my leisure time on things that aren’t bikes. But I do have an obligation to remain knowledgeable and connected and the following are my favorite ways to do so.

Substacks (can also be found on the recommendations page via my profile):

Derailleur / Kate Wagner

This is the Substack that turned me into a Substack person. Kate is a brilliant storyteller— her various profiles of Pogacar are in a class of their own, and the deep dives on her newsletter are interspersed with talented guest writers, from cycling-related poetry to takes from Worldtour athletes, you name it. It’s an especially exciting follow during road season, which as it happens is right around the corner.

Women’s Cycling Weekly

Pretty self descriptive— exclusive interviews, race results, just the right amount of snark. I’m jealous I didn’t think of Mamil Repeller myself tbh.

Endurance Collective

A wide-ranging newsletter covering topics such as nutrition, coaching, and well-researched general advice from an expert in the field.

TBD/Wade Wallace

Ok so this doesn’t even really exist yet— but Wade Wallace and Caley Fretz, two talented journalists recently laid off from CyclingTips after the Outside acquisition (ahem) have something rad in the works. I am excited to see what they bring to the table (and they’re hiring! link in this post https://wadewallace.substack.com/p/onwards-and-upwards, with a description of their plans).

Websites/Magazines:

Rouleur Mag Possibly the most stunning cycling print publication in existence, though their website has a lot of quality content as well.

The Black Foxes also, www.instagram.com/the_blackfoxes .  A collective of Black cyclists, bringing important and underrepresented stories to the forefront. Follow all 8 of the members individually on instagram as well as the main page. They’re doing crucial and engaging work to present a big variety of topics from a perspective we don’t see nearly enough of in our historically too-white sport.

Gravel Cyclist JOM is an OG gravel influencer, and a super nice guy to boot. I have a wonderful memory of running into him and his drone on the backroads of Lincoln Nebraska at my first gravel worlds in 2017. The website is a comprehensive source on a wide range of gravel topics and the calendar is super useful for finding new events.

Liveslowridefast Laurens Ten Dam’s outlet— he’s a longtime friend of mine from back when I was a little aspiring pro living and training in Santa Cruz. The podcast is a little more prolific but it’s worth subscribing to the website newsletter for race recaps and other fun articles.

The Ride with Ben Delaney Yes, I’m aware Ben is was a Velonews employee (EDIT!!! he is not anymore, my b). Here he is investing his own time and energy into a thorough, approachable, and engaging outlet. He also regularly beats me in races, so, respect.

Other Means Magazine Ok this is a little biased of me considering I’m in their first edition— but, a sick print magazine from the former organizers of Far Ride. They have a few stories on the website as a place to start, but I recommend a physical subscription.

The Radavist John and his team need no introduction— just great people working to lift up a diverse range of voices and craftsmanship.

Lentine Alexis Lentine is a good friend of mine and an excellent follow on Instagram if you are interested in a holistic heath and nutrition-based approach to getting outside. However if you want to go deeper and explore her whole catalog of recipes and posts, the $5/month sub to her website is an absolute steal.

…this is by no means a comprehensive list! Also I’m sure there are a ton of podcasts out there but I for one hate podcasts (don’t @ me). Anyways, the comments are open, so please shoutout your favorites for other people to check out and feel free to self-promote.

Ok some fun stuff —

A playlist I made, not with this newsletter in mind, but it’s what I’m listening to so I’m gonna inflict it on you anyways:

The carrot salad I make weekly, sometimes more. Carrots are especially good right now and don’t let the simplicity of this fool you, it is so much greater than the sum of its parts:

https://www.davidlebovitz.com/wprm_print/51879

Maybe someday I’ll compile a list of all the great people I follow in the food and music space; David Lebovitz is up there with my favorites.

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One final thing— I received enough pledges after the launch that I have turned on paid subscriptions! To those of you who pledged, thank you for valuing my time. I am not immediately paywalling any content, but plan to in the future for topics that stretch beyond basic life updates. In the meantime as a little perk, I am opening a subscriber-only chat via the Substack app where I am more than happy to answer any questions, whether it be bikes or bread or banalities.

ttfn :)